I'm a Fucking Fatass

Hi, my name is AR and I’m a fucking out of shape fat ass.

It’s been months since I’ve put any effort into training, let alone anything resembling a race.

And there is one thing I have to come to terms with:

I’ve gained a ton of weight and am in the worst shape I’ve been in years.

Oh yes, I’ve been aware of it. It’s why I’m not posting.

I’m posting to force myself to look at this shit:

Holy fucking shit I’m a monster.

On the left: 2010. I’m still a few pounds over “race weight,” as evidenced by the beer gut.
That picture was taken enroute to a brutally hilly half I ran at something I dubbed a “reasonably hard effort,” meant to be around MP. I did a 1:36 without much effort. This was a few weeks from Chicago 2010, where heat thwarted my effort to run a fast time, though I ended up with around a 3:00 negative split and running 7:10 pace towards the end.

Granted, the miserable heat put me into a post-race depression that contributed to the downward spiral that got me to where I am now which is, well…on the right.

Yesterday. I had no goal other than to, well, see where I was at. And where I was at is…not good. I ran a 1:43. In all fairness, I also ran this course last year in the exact same time though I ran with someone. This year? While I could dress it up and say it was a MP effort, the fact is…I couldn’t have moved my legs any faster if I tried. Because…they just won’t move any faster. And though I wasn’t particularly tired afterward, I felt weird. Dizzy. Drained. Shit that shouldn’t happen at the end of a half at this point, especially not running at the speed I was running.

And the more disturbing thing…the size of my thighs. The size of my arms. My gut? Well, it’s always there. But until recently, I’ve at least looked…I don’t know, NOT like someone who has never worked out a day in their life?

The truth is I’ve seen this coming. I’ve seen some pictures of myself recently and I no longer look vaguely athletic. I look like a middle aged housewife. And not the rich kind that does nothing but go to yoga, cross fit and drink iced coffee. I look like the fat white trash kind that eats all day.

Why?

I called it months ago. I don’t really have it right now. Whatever “it” is. I just got the motivation to try and turn things around and frankly, that picture is equal parts devastating and motivating.

Motivating because, well, COULD YOU LIVE BEING THAT FAT? And please, this isn’t the time to reply with “OMG I AM BIGGER THAN YOU GURL PLEASE.” No, this is my opportunity to fucking scream and moan because I DID THIS TO MYSELF.

It’s devastating because, well, I did this to myself. I can blame it on working 10-12 hour days. I can blame it on just not having felt right for months. But the bottom line is it’s laziness. Laziness and age. I’m not so slowly hurtling towards middle age. I’ve been running for 20+ years. Things just aren’t going to bounce back like they used to.

And really, I should be at the gym right now. Or running. Instead I’m sitting on my couch watching Family Guy and thinking about the fact that I’m fat.

Lovely.

But the bottom line is, I’m posting this as a fucking reminder that this is what being a lazy fat ass does: IT MAKES YOU FAT.