12 Pieces of Advice: The Annoying Asshole Edition
To quote “your mom” on my last post:
What the fuck, you selfish bitch? I only started reading your stupid blog a few months ago and, now that I find it interesting, you can’t be bothered to post more than once a menstrual cycle. Get off your fat, lazy ass and produce some new content.
Fair enough. I’m lazy, fat, pathetic and on the rag this minute! So… time for some new content.
Disclaimer, as inevitably some asstwat will land here and whine about shit I’m saying, despite the fact that it should be clear that you should never take me seriously:
I’M A CUNT. I SAY CUNTY THINGS TO BE FUNNY. IF YOU DON’T FIND THAT FUNNY, YOU WON’T FIND ME FUNNY. Ok?
Ok.
1. 
Nobody gives a fuck about your boyfriend. Or husband. Or HUBBY. Or Wifey. Have I not mentioned this? I’m pretty sure I have. But yet…you persist. And really? Stop. These cutesy little stories about how your pootynipple farted in your general direction are only cute to you. Also, sometimes you tell these stories about your nipple clamp that makes him/her/it sound like an asshole. Like, telling stories about how he asked you not to go to the beach in a particular bikini? It’s not cute, it’s possessive. So stop passive-aggressively trying to deal with it and just dump the asshole. Your vagina won’t wither up and fall off just because you’re not married by 25, okay? Or your penis for that matter because I’ve met the “I WANNA BE MARRRRIEEDDDD!!!” type of guy. Though I suppose I can’t vouche for the fact that his dick doesn’t fall off because I wouldn’t fuck that loser.
2.
Don was too polite.
3. Are you an adult? Like, do you live in a dwelling you pay for with your own money? Yes? STOP CALLING YOUR MOM AND/OR DAD’s house “home.” Also, stop calling your parents period. Cut the goddamn motherfucking cord you stupid, worthless pussies. Be a fucking adult.
4. Are you in a bad mood? Stop pretending you’re not. Being fake gets you nowhere. Granted,I suppose I’m a prime example of the fact that being brutally honest also gets you nowhere. Point remains. STOP IT.It’s annoying and fake.
5. If you’re in graduate school? Drop out this instant. Of course, if you’ve got a trust fund or mommy and daddy flip the bill I guess you can do what you want. But in that case you really should go fuck yourself.
But in all seriousness, student loan debt can ruin your life. Because you can’t foreclose on a degree. And it gets annoying when you explain to people that your student loan debt is as close as you’ll ever get to a mortgage and people start asking questions like “Why don’t you do X with your degree?” instead of taking the brain power needed to figure out that you simply ruined your life by doubling down on a bad bet.
You’re gonna do what you want but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
6.
I wonder if that’s Iced Coffee…
7.
ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ITS TRUE. Also, because it shows you’re an idiot with horrible taste. (heh.)
8. 
Do you enjoy walking your dog while not paying attention to the dog? Do you fail to notice that the stupid piece of fur is jumping at people walking/running by teeth blaring? If so, I kind of want the useless thing to come at me so I can press charges and make sure it gets killed. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BE AN ASSHOLE DOG OWNER. Explain the dead puppy to your kid, asshole. (So if you insist on owning a stupid, worthless, smelly, stinky, dumb fucking dog? Don’t be an asshole dog owner.)
9. Are you the type of person who stumbles on 2.5 year old blog posts and comments on them? How about you look for updates to the post or, at the very least, realize it makes you a creepy motherfucker.
10.
This sort of movie exists because you all suck.
11. 
If you’re going to post pictures on your blog please avoid the following cliches:
1. Food – especially if its on the floor
2. Jumping
3. Duck face
4. SMILEY RUNNING PICTURE
5. Your stupid dog/kid/husband/wife there for NO REASON AT ALL
6. Posting 50 pictures of yourself where you look exactly the same, especially you put them all in ONE FUCKING POST.
12. If you take anything I say seriously and tell people I know in person that I’m SCARY as a result of what you read? Then…
Fuck, I give up.
I have no advice for you there.
Ok, I’m gonna go crawl back in a ditch now. See you the next time I’m bleeding out my vag hole.
P.S. Someday I might talk about running again. But today is not the day. Try not to be too disappointed.
I made a wish that you would be on the rag all year long. Sorry, but this once a month thing isn’t cutting it you lazy tardvark.
That’ll help my anemia for suresies!
You also forgot that people should not remind others how OMGinspirational they are every second because honestly if you have to do that you are most likely not that inspriational (kind of like a place called Quality Pizza probably has the shittiest pizza). On the off chance they ACTUALLY were inspirational, all the talk destroys it. Anyways…glad to see you crawled out of the hole even if just for moments.
I think I will have to do an actual post titled “you are not inspirational.”
Add to #1: inside jokes that nobody but like three people get. Or fucking cutesy acronyms for people in your life that I can’t remember/don’t care about.
#5: Word. Don’t forget that pricey undergrads suck, also, unless your parents are super rich.
OMG YES. Especially when it’s like a 10 letter acronym.
What?! I LOVE Big Bang Theory! Fortunately, no razors handy, hopefully I’ll forget all about this post before I find one. Pretty much everything else I agree with, though.
Beat you on #5. I dropped out of grad school earlier this month. I’m luckily not saddled with crazy debt like people who went to law, business or med school. But it sucks to say that I got X in additional debt from grad school and all I got was the master’s (equivalent of a consolation prize in academia).
I just read your post, oddly enough. :-/ And it’s frustrating. Part of the reason why I DIDN’T drop out was because I didn’t know what else to say or do, though given where I’m at now I really wish I’d just figured it out.
It definitely helped that I was able to transition from part-time job I’ve had since my 2nd year (’06) to a different full-time position in the same office. At least here I feel competent, sorta. I’m working with new programs and there’s a lot to learn.
Challenge ACCEPTED!!!! (Number 11, I’m coming for you!!!)
My boyfriend, a Spaniard, is indeed what’s wrong with America, as he loooooooooooves TBBT, much to my chagrin. I mean, whatever, it’s better than Two and a Half Men (I suppose), but I’d tell him to get the fuck out of the US, except he’s not even there, damn it.
Funny you mention that. A British friend of mine once told me he didn’t think Americans “truly” appreciated the Chuck Lorre sitcoms. I mean, that shit is huge in the US but I’m learning how huge it is overseas too.
Me and mah hubby were just sitting here talking about how brave you are.
BTW, I thought of you yesterday because Jon Hamm was on that IFC show Comedy Bang Bang. It was actually pretty funny. But probably nobody’s heard of it because they’re all too busy queefing over Two and a Half Men.
YES. Nothing like a CALCULUS JOKE!!!!!!11!!
Duck face. OH HOW I HATE DUCK FACE.
Also, can I add a pet peeve to your list? I hate the zillions of “running” blogs that are just pictures of whatever that person ate that day. Especially when there are 15 photos of the same bowl of oatmeal shot from different angles, and especially especially when accompanied by some cutesy commentary about how FULL the person is because THEY ATE SOOOOO MUCH OMG OMG OMG.
Just eat your food and shut up already, my G-d! Why do I follow these people???
OMG you had oatmeal AGAIN for the 3rd time this week please post a picture of it. And post a picture of your coffee every morning because black coffee looks different daily.
This post was music to my ears.
As an addendum to #1, no one cares about your kid. Seriously suddenly this year the rest of my Facebook friends all decided to shoot babies out of their vags, and now I have to read their stupid posts about about awesome their kids are, how interesting their poop is, etc. I apparently missed the memo that 2012 was the year we all collectively decided to ruin our lives. (I did that in 2011 when I moved back in with my parents.) (Oh my life is so awesome.)
Yeah, I’m not sure why I didn’t also mention babies. Because you’re exactly right.
Another addendum to 1: Weddings. omfg. Especially if you have added a tab to the top of your blog specifically so that people can read about your wedding (that in many cases happened years ago, but it was YOUR DAY so obviously everyone gives a shit! Blerg.)
I can’t believe the Big Bang Theory is still on. Good lord.
Not only is it still on, reruns on TBS get better ratings than some things on Network Prime Time. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE.
Babies are so unoriginal. My very important addenda (that’s plural for addendumS, right? I figure your law degree should qualify you to tell me if I got that wrong):
#2 Stop taking the day off work for your birthday. Your boss thinks you’re an idiotic child for doing so. When we are grownups, if we must stop the earth’s turning to celebrate the day we – through no actions of our own – fell out onto the steel surgical table that is life, we do this on weekends.
#8 Dog owners make me despise dogs and it’s not really their fault. We have a good-sized yard with areas that may appear to be community property, leading to me planting landscape flags with BAD OWNER written on them in the gargantuan piles of dogshit that irresponsible dog owners seem to think it’s OK to leave in our lawn. It’s kind of funny to see people lean over to read it, catch a glimpse of the evidence and kind of leap back wrinkling their noses.
#9 I have definitely commented on older blog posts before I realize how old they are. I don’t think I’m a creeper so I’ll blame the cobwebs in my uterus for migrating to my brain.
You think I’m an asshole for not watching ANY tv, so I should probably not mention that I’ve not only not seen Big Bang Theory, I’m not even sure what its premise is.
why would I think you’re an asshole for not watching something aimed at the lowest common denominator?
You told me once I was being elitist for saying I didn’t watch TV shows. I definitely think I’m superior for not watching crappy lowest common denominator TV.
I said people who think they’re *too good* for TV are elitist. Feigning ignorance or making a point of saying “I have no idea what that is” is irritating. Mind you, I say this with a degree of hypocrisy since I do the same thing with annoying music. Point being, still don’t get why I’d think you were an asshole for NOT watching something I just suggested nobody should ever watch because its terrible.
But this is all neither here nor there: the point is the CBS ratings juggernauts are terrible. BBT just irritates me because I’ve heard people say in all honesty “ITS A COMEDY FOR NERDS” completely oblivious to the fact that its “for nerds” in the same way that a Judd Apatow penned script “appreciates” women: in a way that’s plainly stereotypical and a bit offensive, and not adorably offensive. Offensive in its complete ignorance.
I’ve only ever seen the commercials for TBBT, so I’m pretty sure it’s about 3 gay college students trying to pretend they’re straight or something.
lolz lolz lolz lolz
Here is how it works:
*Nerd guy says something about math
*Punchline
*Laugh track
*Dumb Blonde says something dumb and blonde
*Punchline
*Laugh track
Repeat. For the next 22 minutes.
Similarly Two and a Half Men is structured:
*Sex joke
*Laugh track
Repeat. For the next 22 minutes.
P.S. SOMEONE MENTIONED THEIR BOYFRIEND IN A COMMENT. THAT IS HIGHLY IRONIC.
Uhmmm….the people dying to see some strangers wedding pics blow my mind. Why the hell would you care?
Also, I was CHASED by a Chinese Crested the other day. I should have kicked it in it’s face.
You should have. THEN YOU SHOULDA TAKEN A PICCIE FOR YOUR BLOGGY
Fuck crazy dogs and their asshole owners. If your dog runs at me and I accidentally kick it trying to prevent it from attacking me, that’s on you, bitch.
#1 – Slow walkers.
#2 – People who ride their bikes on the sidewalk directly toward you as you are running. Isn’t it illegal to ride on the sidewalk, esp. when there is an entire lane dedicated to bikes?
#3 – People who ride their bikes along a road race course and have the nerve to tell the runners to watch out (wtf?! yeah, sure it’s a small race if this is happening, but still, you’re the douche on the bike, you watch out). Yeah, lots of pent up angst against cyclists over here.
#4 – People who blog as a “job” but can’t be bothered to take the time to proofread their writing and make countless grammatical/spelling errors.
#5 – Obsessive “running” bloggers who get competitive over junk miles.
I guess you didn’t ask for contributions, but I’m giving them regardless.
Natch, I welcome contributions.
Yesterday I got stuck running behind a fat lady and a kid on a bike. I had to slow down for them because there was LITERALLY NO PLACE TO GO WITHOUT RUNNING INTO A TRASH BIN. THIS IS WHY YOU BIKE ON THE STREET.
Rag or not I always like it when a new AR post shows up in my feed.
I’m glad someone mentioned babies. Good on you if you want a kid but it isn’t the be all end all. I get more shit for deciding to not have kids but I don’t post about the awesomeness that I am.
While eating oatmeal and drinking crappy iced coffee.
Funny, its rare anyone argues with me when I say I don’t want kids. Probably because it’s obvious I’d be the worst mother ever. Heh.
I love you because #11 is all about Meals & Miles, my favorite love to hate it blog, especially the part of the photos of the plates of food on the floor. Also, all those “healthy lifestyle/post 3 pics of everything they eat” bloggers all eat crap on a regular basis. Also recent trend: pics of everything they see in the airport. WTF?
It wasn’t aimed at just ONE individual. Though if the shoe fits…I won’t take pictures of food near it. lolzerbeams.
Aw man I totally refer to where I grew up as home and I am really excited for my birthday. You can’t win ‘em all, huh
.
The Big Bang Theory sounds super sexist to me just in premise although I’ve never seen an ep. A bunch of really smart dudes and a dumb, hotter girl, right?
Oy.
CUT THE CORD. Especially since you, um, live in paradise.
It’s “nerd” jokes with a hot dumb girl from what I can tell. It’s just a bunch of punchlines with a laugh track letting you know anytime they just stereotyped. I get why dumb people would find it funny as its dumb comedy. But the number of relatively intelligent people that say shit like “OMG MATH I LIKE IT” while totally unaware that its MAKING FUN of nerds not “celebrating” them boggles the mind. Community *was* humor FOR nerds BY nerds, but who the fuck knows what it’s going to look like without Dan Harmon. Meanwhile, stupid, laugh track heavy BS lives on. Sigh.
Instagram!
It’s like a disease! I don’t care what your coffee/outfit looks like in sepia/whatever other filter there might be and I especially do NOT appreciate the fact that you decided to start exclusively posting Instagram pictures. I guess the joke’s on me for reading “fashion blogs”…
God, you made my day! Hilarious
Holy shit, best blog name ever.
Your lack of new posts can only lead me to believe that you have somehow gotten yourself pregnant. So, I guess, congratulations are in order. Any chance you know who the father is?
Sincerely,
your mom
Silly you, my abortion punch card is all full. I’ve got a free one coming!