12 Pieces of Advice: The Annoying Asshole Edition
To quote “your mom” on my last post:
What the fuck, you selfish bitch? I only started reading your stupid blog a few months ago and, now that I find it interesting, you can’t be bothered to post more than once a menstrual cycle. Get off your fat, lazy ass and produce some new content.
Fair enough. I’m lazy, fat, pathetic and on the rag this minute! So… time for some new content.
Disclaimer, as inevitably some asstwat will land here and whine about shit I’m saying, despite the fact that it should be clear that you should never take me seriously:
I’M A CUNT. I SAY CUNTY THINGS TO BE FUNNY. IF YOU DON’T FIND THAT FUNNY, YOU WON’T FIND ME FUNNY. Ok?
1. Nobody gives a fuck about your boyfriend. Or husband. Or HUBBY. Or Wifey. Have I not mentioned this? I’m pretty sure I have. But yet…you persist. And really? Stop. These cutesy little stories about how your pootynipple farted in your general direction are only cute to you. Also, sometimes you tell these stories about your nipple clamp that makes him/her/it sound like an asshole. Like, telling stories about how he asked you not to go to the beach in a particular bikini? It’s not cute, it’s possessive. So stop passive-aggressively trying to deal with it and just dump the asshole. Your vagina won’t wither up and fall off just because you’re not married by 25, okay? Or your penis for that matter because I’ve met the “I WANNA BE MARRRRIEEDDDD!!!” type of guy. Though I suppose I can’t vouche for the fact that his dick doesn’t fall off because I wouldn’t fuck that loser.
2.Are you over the age of 5? Stop talking about your birthday. You’re too old for it. Back in my day when you turned 6? You got a shoebox and a slap in the face for your birthday. Then you got a cigarette put out on your forehead. That teaches you NOT to queef about how it’s your birthday and I have the scar to prove it! So…grow up.
3. Are you an adult? Like, do you live in a dwelling you pay for with your own money? Yes? STOP CALLING YOUR MOM AND/OR DAD’s house “home.” Also, stop calling your parents period. Cut the goddamn motherfucking cord you stupid, worthless pussies. Be a fucking adult.
4. Are you in a bad mood? Stop pretending you’re not. Being fake gets you nowhere. Granted,I suppose I’m a prime example of the fact that being brutally honest also gets you nowhere. Point remains. STOP IT.It’s annoying and fake.
5. If you’re in graduate school? Drop out this instant. Of course, if you’ve got a trust fund or mommy and daddy flip the bill I guess you can do what you want. But in that case you really should go fuck yourself.
But in all seriousness, student loan debt can ruin your life. Because you can’t foreclose on a degree. And it gets annoying when you explain to people that your student loan debt is as close as you’ll ever get to a mortgage and people start asking questions like “Why don’t you do X with your degree?” instead of taking the brain power needed to figure out that you simply ruined your life by doubling down on a bad bet.
You’re gonna do what you want but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
6.Do you sit at home while your hubby/wifey pays the bills? Yes? Then please don’t tell me how stressful your life is. Thanks.
7.Do you find the Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men Funny? Promptly take a razor blade and sit your wrists, thanks. You are a sub human piece of shit. You are pish…not even worthy of the posh. You ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA.
8. Do you enjoy walking your dog while not paying attention to the dog? Do you fail to notice that the stupid piece of fur is jumping at people walking/running by teeth blaring? If so, I kind of want the useless thing to come at me so I can press charges and make sure it gets killed. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BE AN ASSHOLE DOG OWNER. Explain the dead puppy to your kid, asshole. (So if you insist on owning a stupid, worthless, smelly, stinky, dumb fucking dog? Don’t be an asshole dog owner.)
9. Are you the type of person who stumbles on 2.5 year old blog posts and comments on them? How about you look for updates to the post or, at the very least, realize it makes you a creepy motherfucker.
10.Are you the type that queefs allllll about how excited you are for the wedding of someone you never met? Do you make assumptions about what kind of parent someone will be when you hear they are knocked up? Do you cry when you see a total stranger’s engagement pictures and talk about how ADORBS they are? Do you say ADORBS? If so, you do not deserve to live. And really, you probably need mental help. So do us all a favor check yourself into a psych ward, thanks.
If you’re going to post pictures on your blog please avoid the following cliches:
1. Food – especially if its on the floor
3. Duck face
4. SMILEY RUNNING PICTURE
5. Your stupid dog/kid/husband/wife there for NO REASON AT ALL
6. Posting 50 pictures of yourself where you look exactly the same, especially you put them all in ONE FUCKING POST.
12. If you take anything I say seriously and tell people I know in person that I’m SCARY as a result of what you read? Then…
Fuck, I give up.
I have no advice for you there.
Ok, I’m gonna go crawl back in a ditch now. See you the next time I’m bleeding out my vag hole.
P.S. Someday I might talk about running again. But today is not the day. Try not to be too disappointed.