"Controversial" Posts Revisited: The Dinosaur Phone

Apparently people love to read my old posts and comment on them, especially if they are “controversial.” About a year ago, I told you why I refused to upgrade to a smart phone. If you forgot, refresh your memory here.

Got it? Good.

Since that time, I’ve lost my beloved little Motorola. It died when I drunkenly stumbled around on the Jersey shore last summer. Well, technically some bitch named Sue picked it up, called Megan and then never bothered to pick up her phone so I could get mine back but that’s neither here nor there.

The very next day I walked into the Verizon store and the salesman tried to sell me on an iphone. I refused, and got a phone with even less capability than the lost one. While I don’t particularly regret that in and of itself, I find my current little LG kind of sucks. The keys are sticky and on the rare occasion I talk on the phone I can’t hear anyone. But it’s what I’m stuck with until 2013 since Verizon also forced me into a contract.

However, I got an offer from another company that would buy out my Verizon contract should I want to get a non-dumb phone. The offer is quite excellent actually, and I’d get a free phone AND I’d only be paying like…20 bucks more a month than I do now. With unlimited data. (And the plus is taking money away from verizon!)

Believe it or not, I’ve given this some serious consideration.

After all, within the past year I can think of several occasions where I really needed Internet because I failed to write down directions. I ended up having to call someone! CALL SOMEONE. In one case I had to run home and pick up some directions I wrote down! I mean, the sheer horror.
Also, I’ve learned how to use those blasted little touch screen things. While I am still an insignificant piece of shit at my current job, I did have the opportunity to go to Germany for work where I had a corporate iPhone (blech) for a week. I didn’t particularly care for it (and Apple’s method of locking everything down), but it did come in handy while navigating in a country where I don’t know the language.

Also, when I’m drunk I take pictures of myself with other people’s phones because the phone on my camera is kinda shitty.

But then I thought about this a bit more and came to the following conclusions:

1. My phone, while crappy, is completely functional. Granted it doesn’t function that WELL, but seeing that I’ve used it for a grant total of 9 hours since August (not a typo. I’ve made 9 hours worth of phone calls in 10 months. that seems like a LOT, but I realize 3 of those were job screens that took over an hour a piece.) of last year, I don’t really think I need anything else. Even if it craps out, does it really matter? It’s under warranty/insured. Also, I only have to charge it once every two weeks.

2. I’m lazy. Do I need to give myself a built in excuse to be lazy? Is it so hard to write down directions? Or take the GPS I own when I know I don’t know an area pretty well? Or GODFORBID LOOK AT A MAP!!!???

3. I really hate ZOMG TEH PHONE!!1! culture.

And believe it or not, its “3” that really gives me pause.

Let’s face it: I’m misanthropic. I don’t like people. That said:

If I’m going to bother to go out and talk with other people, let’s fucking talk. I don’t need to sit there while you play on facebook or twitter. If I wanted to do that, I’d stay on my couch drinking alone like a normal human being.

Do you see what me, of all people, is advocating here?
GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE FOR FIVE MINUTES.

Fucking talk to people. If you don’t know how to get somewhere, why don’t you just ask? Why don’t you try making plans in advance? And if you’re not at home in front of your computer, do you really need to TWEET YOUR EVERY FUCKING MOVE?

Look, I get it: it can be handy. It can be entertaining. But when I’m sitting with a group of people who are all just staring at their phones commenting back and forth about what they are doing online, it makes me feel like a goddamn fucking dinosaur. (New plan: Bring dinosaur back to life and fuck it.) I’m not talking sending a few texts or tweets. I’m talking the people that go out to the bar and keep their eyes glued on the phone the entire time, occasionally looking up to address others. The people now incapable of carrying on a conversation outside of “OMG DID YOU SEE WHAT SO AND SO JUST TWEETED?” I’m talking the fucking people who walk down the street with their heads glued to their phones, shocked when you go running by because they are completely, blissfully, unaware of the fact that there are PEOPLE OUTSIDE THAT LITTLE BOX.

Allow me to link to this video yet again:

That clip is now 5 years old and it strikes me as relevant as ever. Because this shit? Is now everywhere.You can’t escape people and their goddamn phones. The more omnipresent they get, the more people rely on technology for every single thing, the more you get idiots driving into lakes.

So, I’m probably just going to stick with my plain old regular phone. While I can see the utility of upgrading and have definitely been in situations where having one might have helped me out, I think I’ll avoid becoming one of you zombies until my hand is forced.

In sum, put down your goddamn phone and go for a walk without it, k? You’ll survive. I promise.