A Miserable, Embarrassing Failure.
It might be hard to believe, but I don’t buy into the whole “resolution culture.” The idea of a “new year” really just serves as a reminder that I need to start looking out for my W2 and accept the fact that I am inching ever closer to middle age.
However, I have to admit there is a slight caveat with the New Year’s Day Race I’ve done since 2006.
In 2006, it was what got me inspired to start training again. I won’t rehash the story. I’ve told you before. But if you don’t recall? I ran it while hung over or possibly still drunk and managed a 7:20 pace for 7.5 miles, far faster than I expected.
In 2007, it was my first hard effort after a hamstring strain on Thanksgiving day.
In 2008, I used to to work out my frustration over ripping open my bumper after nearly being hit by an SUV in a fucking parking lot. (Yeah, the near collision caused me to swerve and hit a guard rail.)
Since then it’s been a nice marker for marathon training. In 2009 it was 8 degrees and snow covered, but this year and last year? Freakishly warm.
So last week I began to think about it.
The weather was looking good. I was beginning to run some halfway respectable mileage again. I was running faster than expected. Maybe it was time to not e embarrassed myself? Maybe I COULD turn over a new leaf, so to speak!
Heh…yeah.
Before I get into the gory details, you know the movie Up In The Air? If you don’t, the main character is a guy who is contracted to fire people at other companies. He spends his life on the road, and he loves it that way. He gets the fact that people, by in large, just weigh you down and waste your time. His “home” is everyone else’s away. Throughout the story he has a few reasons to think about his life a bit. Partially because his job as he knows it might be going away. Partially because he finds someone he likes enough to NOT avoid. For a number of reasons, he lets go of his usual stance for a brief minute…only to find out that he was right all along. People are not worth his time. His world view is correct, everyone else is flawed.
Why am I telling you this?
Because from the moment I pulled into the parking lot I KNEW I was going to have my Up In The Air moment. I don’t know why. Part of it was the fact that I’ve been moving and inhaling a lot of dust and mold, triggering up the breathing issues that kept me NOT running for most of November. Within half a mile I found myself having to stop because I was coughing hard enough. Not ideal for fast running to say the least.
But to be honest, it was only part of the problem.
The large problem is that I just…had…no…desire to be there. Gorgeous day be damned, I didn’t want to run. I didn’t want to see how out of shape I still am. I didn’t want to feel all the weight I’ve gained bouncing around. But most of all, I didn’t want to see how many people have gotten faster than me since I’ve been hurting for motivation/injured/laying in a ditch drunk. This isn’t meant as whiny prison bitchery, it’s just a fact.
And of course, I knew what would happen when I went into this damn thing: it wasn’t going to go well. And of course, my suspicions were confirmed. I went with a girl I know is quite good at even pacing. I went out at what seemed like a reasonable clip, if slightly aggressive. Within three miles the coughing and sinus issues caught up to me and I had to back off. But as we climbed hill after hill, something else happened.
I just gave up. I knew I was moving slowly, but I didn’t care. I thought about all the work I needed to do and how I needed to get the fuck out of here to go finish moving. I thought about how fat and slow I felt. But most of all I thought about the fact that I just simply don’t care. Still. Motivation hasn’t returned. I know I need to start training for Boston. But I also know that I’m so behind where I was a year ago…it’s just not worth trying anymore. It’s not going to come back. I’m older and and I simply don’t. have. the. drive.
Which was my Up In The Air moment.
Yes, maybe my motivation returned a few years ago. But if I’m being completely honest, my already low work ethic is at an all time low. I know that my honesty always prompts a “OMG ME TOO” from people who tell me in another breath they’re running 120 mile weeks. I don’t want to hear that.
And here is the thing:
I don’t want to hear this “GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK” crap either. Or anything along those lines. The fact is in an ideal world I wouldn’t work, I would run, I wouldn’t do anything other than…nothing. I’m a very lazy person who occasionally has motivation to do something.
And this time? Mine is long gone.
And it’s not coming back.
I won’t say give yourself a break. What I will say, though, is you should run Boston with me because my “fast” marathon pace would be a “slow” marathon pace for you!
Sorry to hear about the breathing issues. That always frustrates me to no end because it seems like there is really nothing you can do about it. I always have major breathing issues in the summer. Blah.
I’m not exactly sure what my problem is. I’ve gotten more than one diagnosis, but it seems most likely that I have astmha triggered more by allergens AND exercise. Whether the rest is a chronic sinus infection triggered by mold or an actual mold allergy is also up for debate, apparently. First time in 5 years it has been this bad. I’m also the fattest I’ve been in 5 years so maybe it’s just all one big coincidence. But anyhow, yeah summer is bad for me too. Regardless, I always seem to get one winter sinus infection.
Not to act all new-agey or weird or whatever (OK, weird, maybe), have you ever tried irrigating your sinues? I mean use an electric-powered sinus irrigator that pulses warm, salinated water up in those bad boys. I do it almost every morning and don’t suffer any more from sinus infections or headaches or any of the other crap that comes along with it. Google “Grossan nasal”. I can’t live without the thing.
Oh — and I have absolutely NO FUCKING MOTIVATION. And haven’t even run a 120 foot week lately, let alone a 120 mile one.
Well, I guess it’s just time to give it all up then. You had a great run while it lasted!
And thanks for the Up in the Air analysis…I watched it last week and it seemed too serious not to have a point, but I couldn’t figure out what it was other than the general futility of life. Your explanation is more nuanced.
The whole movie is really quite subtle. I’ve seen it 3 or 4 times at this point and there are just new little details in there that jump out every single time.
Agreed. I’ve seen it twice and definitely picked up on some things the second time around that I didn’t catch the first time. Great movie.
This sounds like me. And I give you props for even having the motivation to post on your blog…because I don’t even have that. I just sit around all day saying how much I hate my job and hate the world and hate everything. I’m a real joy to be around.
I haven’t had motivation to say anything in awhile so I figured I’d strike while the iron is hot. Clearly, I’m right there with you.
Had the same sort of breathing issues after a nasty bout with the flu and a sinus infection this summer. I am still on a steriodal inhaler. But, hey . . . it lets me run so I pony up the co-pay for it. Not sure if you looked it, but it may help. Honestly, you are like the third person who has either come down with the Flu or a SI and has yet to recover!
Damn SARS . . . SARS! Bird Flu! Swine Flu! Ebloa! Y2k! Mayan Calendar. Andromeda Strain . . . . that virus from that crappy Dustin Hoffman monkey virus moive!
Now that I have insurance again, I might. I’ve had a long, sordid history of breathing issues going back to the mid 90s. I can go YEARS without them but when they flare up…they flare up bad. :-/
I pretty much could have written this post. But, I didn’t because I’m too lazy to keep up my own blog.
I’ve fought with myself for two years now about this running thing. I want to be motivated. I SHOULD be motivated. I have all kinds of time to run. But do I? Not for more than a few days at a time. The truth is, I’m really just a box of rocks. Maybe I’ll never find that it again, but I’m done beating myself up over it.
So your motivation is gone. Must have left town with mine. Perhaps it will come back to us. Perhaps it won’t.
So it goes.
That’s my thinking. I’m not even going to try. Just better to see what happens, I guess.
Well … maybe this means someday I’ll actually be faster than you! SMALL VICTORIES.
Will you still at least blog about the Oscars?
Oh, I’ll still be around…can’t stop whining for too long!
Running sucks balls when you feel fat. And when you can’t breathe. I would have no motivation either.
I really relate to your life laziness. My big dream is to be jobless. But not alone. Jobless with my boyfriend and friends, and then sleep a lot, read a lot, watch every movie, hike, travel. And run.
Two years ago, I had not heard of a garmin. I never ran for time. And I never wanted to skip a run. Maybe put the watch in hibernation?
Can’t put the watch in hibernation. I just moved and all my routes changed! ::headdesk::
But yes, yes, yes and…yes.
Running, when you don’t feel like doing it, sucks ass. Sorry you haven’t been feelin’ it.
I’m in the fat stage right now. Not that I was ever as fast as you but…I’m still fat and slow right now. So I hear you.
Good luck with everything. I’ll still be following, as always.
So…this means you’re not going to get your own shop on OpenSky?
I’ve been running under 15 miles a week (closer to 5 miles) for the past few months. And I’m the same as you….right now I just don’t give a flying fuck. And I’m not sure I will. Although, I guess on the positive side I’ve been enjoying spin classes, but it hasn’t kept my pants from their ever-tightening grip.
I say buck it the fuck up!! At least til Boston is over and then reassess and see where the motivation factor is. I am struggling in get up and get your ass moving department as well. It’s much more tempting to sit on the couch eating Cheetos and watching the latest train wreck Kardashian reality show.
I am not liable to believe your claims of fatness and weight gain. We’ve heard this song from you before about being fat and slow, and then you run some nasty PR and we see the accompanying brightroom photos of you looking like a deft-footed and petite little pixie. I will chalk this nonsense up to sandbagging and in the words of Pete Townshend WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN. (also did u kno fat talk is POISNONOUS!?! i will tack 1 of those sticky mini-pieces of paper to ur frigde to remind u of ur inner value and beuty).
Something in me suspects that you would not have even bothered posting this if you really didn’t care anymore, so I’m gonna go with… if you do still care and want to salvage some fitness, it might be worth forcing yourself out there for a week just to give things an honest try. The longer you sit around “not caring” instead of doing something about it, the harder it’ll be to get back into it. But if you really don’t care and have zero motivation, that’s not a big deal either. Eventually motivation and expectations will get so low that and the pendulum will swing the other way. Or you’ll move on and find ways to spend your time that don’t involve wearing down all the joints and tendons in your body by the time you’re 50. Fuck running anyway.
Also, you moved? wut. Where? (#stalking)
…also, i am 24 and a grownup so that means i kno everything about life/running!!!!1
A++++++++++
DOWN THE STREET. Sadly, nowhere new.
I think the fact that I ran a 7.5 mile race slower than I did when I was hung over AND out of shape 6 years ago is a good indicator that I’m finished. Also, the pants I bought in October don’t fit. (also, you should accept my FB friend request you can better stalk me!)
i accepted a while ago, but i need to grow accustomed to the new confusing-ass facebook in order to remaximize my stalking aptitude!
Oh, there you are. Confusing new facebook makes it impossible to tell. I accepted the damn thing because I thought they were forcing it on me AND THEY DIDN’T.
You know what? One day you really will get sick of being fat and lazy. It may not be a big epiphany like before and it sure as f*ck won’t be as easy. Quit your bitchin and get back to work. If it helps have a drink and then go for a run. I’m so glad that you don’t want to blow sunshine and rainbows up our asses. But I know deep down you want to get back into the swing of things. So what if you’re behind where you were a year ago. I had a baby last January. And I didn’t snap right back into shape two months later like I thought I would. I gained 50 lbs while pregnant. I felt and still feel like a whale and I am trying to get back to where I used to be in between work , diapers, nursing, work, sleep, a cocktail, running, etc. Suck it up! And oh and Happy New Year!
Yes, yes. Of course you’re right. As the saying goes…”suck it up, buttercup!” Hasn’t been working for me lately, but soon. I hope. If not I’m just going to dig a really big ditch to lay in while drunk.
You know, ditch-digging is probably too much like a workout.
More time for drinking. Congrats!
I’ve been running about as long as you’ve been alive (fuck!), and my motivation has come and gone in spectacular bouts. When I was your age, I was a sloppy flabby muffin-top blob that ran maybe, MAYBE, 15 miles a week. I honestly didn’t give a shit about Getting Back to It! Not even an iota of a shit.
Then, for reasons unknown, I got back into it. Then later for a few years I chugged Natty Lights and rolled cigarettes. Then I returned to being a mileage whore.
Anyway, the flow and the drunken drainage ditch of motivation is not necessarily a bad thing.
Kind of what I’m thinking. I just hate that the longer I spend in the ditch the harder it is to escape…
This is what happens with my weight: I get down to happy weight. I get happy. I eat whatever I want. My pants get tight. I panic at not eating 1/2 cups of peanut butter at night. I stuff food in my mouth out of fear. Pants get tighter. Then I need a reality check and start cutting the cups of peanut butter and slices of banana bread. But I DO NOT THINK about my weight I just keep trying to eat well until I finally weigh myself when my pants fit again. Then the cycle starts again.
In reality, I can lose all this goddamn weight in under a month, if I just put my mind to it. Try tracking food for one day on My Plate (check the Livestrong website). You’ll either be sickly fascinated or completely grossed out at how many calories are in 1 cup of chocolate chips (which I eat with my 1/2 cup of peanut butter).
Yeah, it’s all too much effort right now. Being fat is easier.
The hardest thing is always restarting, even harder with regular routes/predicted times/stopwatch agony/stretchy pants/and the lingering thought of “I used to be good at this.” So the options I see are… Stop being a Namby Pamby and run, bribe yourself with copious amounts of beer and run (sort of counter-productive, but I’ve made it work), start hashing (not so dissimilar from option 2), Or enjoy the break, and let the re-motivation (aka impending race fear) happen when it does. Also, I’m pretty sure all of my fastest times have involved hangovers…. the existence of still-drunk-from-last-night-super-human strength are the basis of all of the Die Hard movies… I think that validates it as a training plan.