Rambling Thoughts Re: Being Out of Shape and Fat
You may have noticed that I haven’t written about running in a while.
The reason for this is pretty simple: I haven’t been doing much of it and am now embarrassingly out of shape.
No, really. I’m on track for my lowest mileage in years and frankly? I don’t give a fuck. I tell myself I want to get my ass back in gear and lose weight. I also tell myself I will stop spending most of my time staring at the ceiling and eating fattening foods.
But let’s be honest: I won’t.
This? Is not news. But it did cross my mind the other day as I stood behind a local high school girl at a Thanksgiving Race. Between talking to friends and wishing I hadn’t bothered to get out of bed, I got a chance to read it:
“Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.”
I don’t know if she beat me, but it is a fair assumption that she did. This race was a glorified shuffle; I dragged my fat bloated ass around this race course without making any effort to run hard. I ran the first couple miles at a touch under 7:00 min pace and hit mile three and found myself dealing with the same breathing issues that have plagued me for the last month or so. They started off as the result of what seemed like a sinus infection and haven’t gotten much better…probably because, well, I haven’t really been running.
It was at this point on the course that we merged with a shorter race and I found myself behind a few hundred more people and lacking any enthusiasm. I normally would make an effort to pass them all or at the very least, shake off the labored breathing and get back on track. Instead I debated sitting on the ground and just…stopping. Which frankly, I’ve done in 99% of the runs I’ve done since October.
Anyhow, as I loped along…I noticed another girl wearing that same shirt.
HARD WORK BEATS TALENT WHEN TALENT DOESN’T WORK HARD.
I passed her and realized how slowly I was moving. I picked it up slightly and finished, feeling less humiliated and more apathetic.
In other words, I just don’t care right now…but I’m getting a lot of signs that it’s about time to stop being such a lazy fucking sloth.
Sign 1: Pants I bought 6 weeks ago are now tight. That’s some serious weight gain and I ain’t petite to begin with. I’m an endomorph. I’m constantly a french fry away from morbid obesity, which is probably why I hate you skinny motherfuckers with the passion of Mel Gibson’s antisemitism. (SEE WUT I DID THAR? HE DIRECTED PASSION OF THE CHRIST SO I SAID PASSION OF…fuck you, it was funny in my head!)
I've really let myself go.
Sign 2: Everything has redistributed in a bad, bad way. Again, endomorph. This long a layoff is likely to leave me looking like beat up White trash…and I can’t afford the liposuction.
NEW PLAN: Give birth to Irish twins and give trashy, gold digging dancer half my money! Oh wait. I don't have any money. And I'm barren. (At least I hope I am!)
Sign 3: THAT FUCKING SHIRT. Okay, maybe sign isn’t the right word.
But it is a reminder.
I? Simply don’t work very hard. And I reviewed results of faster races and rivals I used to beat handily…and they’ve all gotten faster. They’ve all done the work. I haven’t. While it is hard to describe be as “talented” in any respect, I suppose I have a modicum of natural ability, albeit limited. If I keep my basic aerobic base up, I can usually pull something out of my ass.
But I’ve failed to do that.
I was in questionable shape to begin with and I’ve now let it deteriorate to nothing. I’m fatter and slower than ever and fully aware of it.
But you know what?
Despite these signs, I’m still just…not motivated. I’d rather drink copious amounts of vodka and tell hipsters to get off my lawn. (DIE HIPSTER SCUM)
After decades of running at the same mediocre level, it is hard to stay motivated. So many of you talk about how much you love running and that’s something I haven’t felt in years. I run because it is what I do. I run because I like being reasonably competitive, something that won’t happen if I don’t get my ass in gear. I run because not running would leave me, well, I covered that above. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy it on many levels. But on many others, it is a love-hate relationship. And when it comes to running like shit, it is all hate. There is no love for that.
But the thing is, after so many years I know my abilities pretty well and the bottom line is I lack the drive, lungs and body type (I AM AN ENDOMORPH! I’M TOO FAT!) to get faster than I am, which makes it hard to get back in gear when at the end of the day…I’d be content sitting on my ass swilling booze and watching TV. No matter how hard I start working, I’m just not going to get much faster. I’ve been around for ages; breakthroughs just don’t come after a certain point.
And really, at the end of the day, I LOVE being a lazy motherfucker…and it is hard to convince myself otherwise this time around. But I’ll get there. Eventually.
On that note, I’m off to wash myself with a rag on a stick , eat an entire pizza, and wash it down with a 6 pack.
[DISCLAIMER: Much of this is tongue and cheek, people. Tongue and cheek. I'm not the size of the mom in Gilbert Grape. JUST SO YOU KNOW.]
I SAW YOU LAST WEEK YOU ARE NOT FAT stop with that nonsense.
Okay, fair enough: Not FAT fat. Just runner fat. And I hid my middle aged weight gain quite well.
“Breakthroughs just don’t come after a certain point” – and, just to be clear, that point is… April? Because didn’t you PR at Boston?
I ought to be more specific:
I just don’t think I have it in me to get much faster than where I am now. Like, maybe I could gun for a 3:15 or so…but I’m just not going to get much faster than that. If I can get THAT fast. I just lack the body type/lungs.
Okay, I feel you there. I mean, statistically, for a female runner you’re a little young to have peaked, no? But even then, I think an interesting topic is “why do people continue to run once there are no more breakthroughs?” How many trite RW/RT articles have I read by 40 or 50-somethings, waxing philosophical about how “it’s no longer about the clock, but instead about [me and my dog/age group awards/trail running/insert whatever].”
Maybe your thing could become beating those “heaviest person to run a marathon” records? Guinness Book, baby!
I’m not sure – I started running year round at 12, though there have been periods of inconsistency and mostly slackassness. I could still have something in the tank, but I’m skeptical..maybe part of my motivational problem.
And those 40/50 somethings make me as twitchy. I know that when my father couldn’t come close to his PRs anymore he came pretty close to giving up running entirely. As it is, he hasn’t raced in years.
But yes, maybe I can become SUPERSIZED and run a marathon. That’d be sweet.
this is timely, seeing how I almost cried today when I saw how big I looked in my brightroom turkey trot photos… at what I thought was a normal, maybe a little high but still perfectly acceptable running weight. sucks.
have you thought about doing some lifting instead? sometimes trying to be stronger makes me feel a little better. that and the whole muscle-burning-fat thing…
Bish you just ran a 40 second PR at that race, so you must be doing something right.
Anyway, I am fat too and the sun has been out twice in the past two months and it’s dumping rain again so I just want to crawl in bed and emerge periodically for cookies and bread products and nothing else. Fuck all.
AR, you have an uncanny way of capturing my current sentiments.
Dude if you just PR’d what’s up with the “my race sucked”. Unless it was a PR in an eating contest…
I imagine living in a place that makes central NY look sunny must get draining…BREAD PRODUCTS FOR ALL!!!!
I haven’t been lifting as much as I was partially because my new job is farther from the gym. OOPS. I should get back into it. I should also eat less and run more.
I don’t mind — enough to really do something about it — being a little overweight for the average hobby jogger or pretty much any woman my height. It’s not so bad on this side of the BMI scale. You can always blame poor performance on the extra 10-15 pounds you’re carrying. The chafing really sucks, shorts are out of the question for anything over a 10k, and race photos are super unforgiving.
Ha. I’ve always had unforgiving race pictures when it comes to the stomach. Genes are partially to blame on that one as i don’t actually have a waist…but I don’t exactly do myself any favors either. I’d lost enough weight that I didn’t really chafe anymore but it has come back and I’m losing the motivation to do anything about it. We’ll see what I look like when I come out to Carlsbad, though the weather has been quite nice for this part of the country – comparatively speaking at least.
I really needed to hear this. I may not be in the same boat, but I am also a lazy motherfucker. I have talent, but am too unmotivated to push myself hard. Other runners around me are getting faster, stronger, more emboldened. My sorry ass sits in the house doing a few push ups yet fearful of even stepping on the road because “it will feel difficult”.
One month ago I ran a fucking 100 mile trail ultra. In Texas hill country.
One month later a flat three mile loop feels like a march an execution chamber. Dread and shame and remorse and what-a-fucking-loser for not caring enough to do it well.
I think that ultra running is like competitive eating. Anyone can be good at either if you just do it. But to be great you have to plan. You have to stick to the plan. Damn it I want to be fast. However, going easy is just too… easy.
Not going to bore you with further psycho babble or pry into your long term desires, etc.
Do what feels right to you.
But fuck you it I let my tax dollars go to fixing your broken down, diabetic, morbidly obese ass in twenty years.
Isn’t it amazing how you go from fit to NOT so quickly? Some people have the mental fortitude to get around this but I’ve never been one of them…and frankly, the more “down” periods I have the harder it becomes to rebound. You’re not alone.
I won’t get that fat through, I PROMISE.
I once got into a conversation with a stranger about training for just a half marathon and he looked at me and said, “oh… you’re a runner? Huh… you don’t look like one.”
I wanted to kick him in the nuts.
Sure, I guess I could work harder and do speed intervals and drop a few lbs to get that “runner body” Mr. Ass Hole was referring to. But whatever. I do what I want. As should you. You’ve been running for a long time. It only seems natural you’ll go through a decline in motivation to do so.
Drink more vodka and eat another pizza. It’s only going to make your comeback that much more glorious.
CHRIST WHAT AN ASSHOILE.
I’ve gotten that many times. I don’t have the build for it and I have a hard time not focusing on the limitations, particularly since I’m just far too lazy to do anything about it. For now I will take your advice and stick to the pizza and vodka though.
I don’t think fat people run sub-7:00 miles… Especially not Brit-Brit or that thing on the couch.
I ran a couple of them. The rest were slower. I promise.
FEEL BETTER, FATTY!
THANK U, PREGGY BUTT!
If you were the size of the Grape’s mom and could maintain under 7 min pace, I would be damn impressed.
I realized at about the 3rd CC meet in 7th grade that I was not built like the girls winning the races. I worked hard and was mediocre in high school, but I blamed my thighs for my inability to be faster (and lack of natural ability I’m sure). They still suck. And now? Pretty sure they are growing at exponential rates never before seen. That’s the side effect of less running and housing a fetus.
Anywho….you were, are, and always will be faster than me (and most women running races, let’s be honest), so there’s that.
I’ve been there and the feeling sucks. Big time. I don’t get people who love running every single day all the time. I tell myself it’s because they found running later in life and they just haven’t had time to get sick of it. Like you, I have been running since my pre-pubescent days and sometimes I just don’t feel like pushing myself anymore. I mean, I can’t imagine NOT running in some capacity, just because it’s a part of who I am by this point, but after so many years it can get wicked repetitive. And you wonder how much more you have in you (since my asthmatic, bottom-heavy body isn’t naturally built for speed).
But I think these periods where you lack motivation are natural. For me, after wallowing in my own laziness for awhile there’s usually something else that kicks in. I may not be the fastest runner in the world, but I am crazy competitive. And I know you are too. I get off by pushing myself to be faster than I was…and faster than other runners. I may never be running a sub-3 hour marathon, but I can still compete on some level. That competitive side of me is always battling that lazy side, and it doesn’t let me sit on my butt forever.
Regardless of what you end up doing, maybe you need a new focus. Lifting or relay running or ultras. Something that makes running enjoyable again, not something that feels like a chore. At the risk of going off on a huge tangent, I just want to add… I dated this guy back in high school who was an extremely talented runner. He worked hard, too, but his natural talent got him really far without even trying. He was recruited to run in college, got himself injured for a season, and then just stopped running. Because he hated that he was now slower than his typical “glory days” self. He couldn’t take the fact that running was hard for him (for probably the first time in his life), so he never got back into it. Now he’s lazy and fat (really glad I dodged that bullet). Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going with this depressing story except to say that I think talent is an awesome thing to have, but it sometimes makes it harder to get back into running. It really sucks when you aren’t running at the level you know you’re capable of. Which can be the biggest thing that gets in the way of your “comeback.”
If all else fails, I think running sub-7:00/miles while “fat” is still pretty impressive. So you can continue to awe people with your natural speed as you get larger.
And now I’m going to end this rambling, novel of a comment.
Thanks – I’m glad you left it because you’re totally INSIDE MY HEAD right now. I find myself resenting people who found running later in life because it really is so old had for people like us; and it’s hard to accept that I may have more limitations than someone who turned to things later and isn’t as beat up. I think part of what kept my running motivation fresher for years is that I used to racewalk as well but I’ve got no desire to go back to that. I’m definitely looking to find something a bit different next year, though jury is still out on what.
“I don’t get people who love running every single day all the time. I tell myself it’s because they found running later in life and they just haven’t had time to get sick of it.”
yes, yes, yes. i’ve been running since i was 14 and the novelty has definitely worn off. i mean, there are definitely still days when i love it and really enjoy what i’m doing, but most days it’s a struggle. you know, like yesterday when i went home and ate ice cream and ran 0 miles. i’ve been in slumps like this (let’s call it all of 2011) and it’s tough. i think eventually something will motivate you to get back out there and start training again. perhaps the Seneca 7 relay???
p.s. if you want to get moar fat, come visit me asap. we’ll eat lots of cupcakes and pizza <3
I think I find running still exciting because I am new and am still improving. Although the people who love running everyday I think are just lying or not competitive at all. It sucks when you feel like you reach your limit (I did in figure skating). However, unlike running it is not really a life sport so I did not have to make the decision to quit or not. It was just sorta made for me. At first I couldn’t imagine my life without skating, but running has I guess taken it’s place. I don’t even miss skating at all. Now if only I was 20 pounds lighter like when I skated I would probably be a lot faster…but that would take a lot of effort…at least too much for right now.
OMG I forgot about that lady.
And now I shall have nightmares that haunt me about being buried in a piano case.
I’m fatter and unfitter. Pass the vodka. Actually i think runners kitchen has a good point. Slumps happen, and then they somehow reverse themselves. I say enjoy slothdom while it lasts, and then chase 3:15 when you’re ready.
Feeling fat, eh? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1d4eLzUD-0I
As someone who’s gone from averaging over 100 miles a week for well over a year to eventually sitting around morosely for nine straight months except for 10-minute stumble-runs to the liquor and grocery stores, wondering what the fuck happened along the way to turn myself into a less glamorous version of Chet the Shitpile from “Weird Science,” I am more than qualified to address this. I have never been close to fat, but that’s only because being batshit crazy has high energy costs.
The bad news is that you can’t just snap your fingers and be at the peak of your personal motivation range. No one can. Doesn’t matter how fat and slow you think you are (and by the fucking way, you’re *not* an endomorph; at worst you’re a bit of a mesomorph, but most people would rather retain a little extra hard mass than any amount of soft mass). The good news is that you’re not someone who’s in danger of remaining undermotivated for long, because you like running too much and if you don’t start you’ll probably rush into a crowded mall with an Uzi and strafe a dozen soccer-mom Christmas shoppers before anyone can say “Look at that abgry bitch with the gun” And I know you don’t want that, even if you love ot fantasize about it.
You should train for mountain or trail races. You’re a competitor through and through — like any runner you gun for PRs, but at root that’s not what keeps you out there. If you can travel to Mass. or VT. in the spring and summer there’s a whole bunch of that stupd shit. Hey, if you run the Vermont 50-Miler in 2012 I will too. Take that for what it’s worth.
I never knew Britney Spears ever carried that much adipose. Not that she’s huge in that pic, but she’s no more suited for the outfit she’s trying to rock than I am. Maybe less.
Aw shit, Kemibe – don’t tell her to go do trails and ruin my whole plan for ass kicking those ultras after years on the marathon path! Girl’s too fast to let me have half a shot at miniscule glory. Fuck.
Yes, kidding. Sheesh.
AR, mad love your way. What the hell is going on this fall – all of we chick sort-of-mesomorphs just want to bury our shoes in the sand and eat Nutella all damn day. I swear it is in the air.
Here’s to a recovery, whatever it means. Not necessarily recovery of exact running capabilities, but a recovery of the slackassitude and feeling shitty about it. If running comes back too, then woot.
Fuck you, AR, you are neither fat nor slow. You are a badass. That is why I love you.
I am not talented nor have I ever been thin. Still, I have managed to place in my (very old) age group in a few triathlons that I dabbled in over the past couple years. I also dabble in extreme drinking, partying and yep, smoking. I haven’t really given a crap all year about my running/training (though I always give a crap about being fat – hence I kept smoking thinking it would help keep weight off – yes, I’m and asshole). On Thanksgiving I came down with a cold/flu/felt like I was going to die for 4 days. Lost ALL ability to breathe. My first attempt at running was pitiful and I’m sure hideous to see to the drivers on the highway I run on. I decided that I my life came to this – never being able to jog a few miles up the road and back – then I will have lost a major part of me. Fuck racing, I’m not even sure if I want to do that anymore. But I have rededicated myself to running just for the sake of running. Remember though, I’m very old.