Hey Memey You’re So Fine/Hey There Memlilah/Hey Meme-a-sy/Insert Lame Song Reference Here

Shelby told me to come up with ten random things about myself so I will. I actually intended to do this a few days ago but…I didn’t. Instead it has sat in my drafts folder.

So, ten random things:

1. I’m going to steal one from Shelby and give you a list of things I will not eat:

Most cheese, though I have particularly strong aversion to bleu and feta, ham, tofu or any “fake meat”, chickpeas, avocado, mayonnaise, fish, crab, sour cream, refried beans, rare beef, bologna.

2. I’m a terrible person who wants you to fail at everything you do.

This one is Self-explanatory.

3. I am incredibly lazy and really good at convincing people I’m not – partially because I am a fantastic liar.

Also self-explanatory, though this helps:

As does this.

4. I don’t like children, but I’m pretty good with them.

I can’t explain it. I once worked at a rock climbing gym where I mostly lead birthday parties for kids. People generally assumed I was a teacher because of HOW I dealt with kids. I’ve also discovered that the spawns of my friends like me. I can train them to do tricks! They do them!

But…like…I don’t like kids! I have zero maternal instinct. And the funny thing is I am pretty sure that’s WHY a lot of kids like me: they think I’m a bigger version of them. Which I pretty much am.

Because I’d much rather be throwing the tantrum than dealing with one.

5. I judge you on your appreciation of certain TV shows/movies.

More specifically, if you tell me you’ve NEVER watched either The Simpsons or Seinfeld…I get irrationally angry. Like, really angry. In fact, I think appreciation of The Simpsons and Seinfeld is a barometer for your taste in general. I once told a dude who didn’t like Seinfeld I would never bone him for that reason alone. (Though trust me, there were others. Not drinking coffee was another one as non-coffee drinkers are clearly evil robot beings that must be destroyed.)

Likewise, I will SERIOUSLY QUESTION YOU if you tell me you’ve never watched Arrested Development or The Big Lebowski.

6. “SNL ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE” and “THE BRITISH VERSION IS BETTER” ARE NOT VALID CRITIQUES IN AND OF THEMSELVES AND I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE IF YOU ARGUE OTHERWISE.

Point the first: SNL HAS ALWAYS, ALWAYS BEEN WILDLY INCONSISTENT.

Yes, this particular cast is kind of a dud that Lorne Michaels has no apparently interest in cleaning out and Seth Myers is pretty one note as a writer (not to mention that Kristen Wiig is pretty one note in general). But fuck…THAT’S MORE OR LESS HOW SNL WORKS. Everyone remembers the good shit, but it was much easier to forget the bad shit before we had 50 billion nerds immediately jumping on SNL live threads to proclaim the death of the franchise.

Listen, toolsacks: do you remember the Anthony Michael Hall year of SNL?

Yep. And Robert Downey Jr. And a freaky looking Jon Lovitz. And....gah.

No? Neither does anyone else, and that’s how Lorne wants it. So just watch the good shit on hulu and STFU.

And regarding the British thing?

Look: British humour and American humor (U SEE WHAT I DID THAR?) are different.

We get that. (And if you haven’t seen A Fish Called Wanda, you should. Probably the best take on the contrasting humor ever.) And Brit to U.S. adaptations often fail miserably as a result. Things get lost in translation because American humor is a lot broader. When it comes to TV adaptations, American TV producers generally have to think about the demands of a much longer season and the constant push for ratings. So for various reasons, things have to change. AND IT OFTEN JUST DOESN’T WORK.

And it often doesn’t work when they try it other way either:

Yes, that’s a British take on Married With Children called Married for Life. (Go figure slapping British characters in the place of crude, American stereotypes DOESN’T WORK.)

But will producers learn? Well, no. They won’t. And anyone who knows a fucking thing about how this works realizes this. Which is why replying to an article announcing an American adaptation of a British show whining about how horrible an idea it is and how the British version will always be better is STUPID. So stop doing it.

7. I generally can’t sleep if other people are in the room.

Must…not…show…weakness.

8. In addition to my documented hatred of mayo, I don’t like Ketchup.

SUCK ON THAT.

9. I really want to know when talking about food got as loaded as talking about politics.

Two sample conversations for you:

Scene: In my office 4 years ago with dumb, redneck co-worker:

Dude: Yo. I don’t get vegetarians.
Me: Yeah, not my thing either.
Dude: I KNOW RIGHT? I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU NOT EAT COWS.
Me: I get how you don’t have to, just not my thing.
Dude: But I mean, cows are like….sacred animals. Sacred because I eat every part of them! (yes, that’s an actual quote.)
Me: Ha. Not a milk/cheese fan.
Dude: Man, I’d be fine only eating pieces of a cow from now on! Screw carrots!
Me: I like a good burger as much as anything but I’d die without some vegetables to balance it out…
Dude: Screw carrots! Just meat!

Scene 2: Check out of a small co-op. I am buying some granola, quinoa, coconut milk ice cream and some free-range chicken.

Clerk: Nice day, huh!
Me: Yep.
Clerk: Hm, this is weird…why is this so expensive? You only got four things!
Me: ::blank stare:: Um, it looks like everything rang up right?
Clerk: Oh, I see how. You bought this big hunk of meat.
Me: ::blanker stare::
Clerk: MEAT? IS EXPENSIVE.
Me: ::smiles uncomfortably::
Clerk: THINK ABOUT IT.

***

Why did I share these stupid conversations?

Because it seems shit like this is more commonplace, much like stupid quasi-political “MY SIDE IS BETTER THAN YOUR SIDE” shit you see when you casually like a link on facebook about what cause or the other.

In the first conversation, an idiot makes an idiotic comment and just keeps getting dumber. He’s not speaking from any logical place, he’s just making his opinion known. Because he has X preferences, anything that is Y is dumb and useless.

The the second, I’m subtly judged. I’m at a co-op buying very specific items. I’m clearly not there to browse, I clearly have some clue of why I’m there and what I’m doing. But I get judged for not doing ENOUGH to be pro whatever this guys’s deal was.

The similarity to this kind of shit and political discourse was striking at the time and continues to be. At the end of the day I don’t particularly give a fuck what you eat and don’t eat. If you ask me for a restaurant suggestion and you’re a steak lover, I’ll give it to you. If you want vegan options, I’ll give that to you to. I might roll my eyes if you tell me you’d rather eat a Hungry Man Dinner than a steak you make yourself. I might also roll my eyes if you assume the fact that I eat red meat and hate tofu means I hate anything healthy. I’d like to think I can listen to both sides and make an educated decision.

Like it is in politics, the “correct” answer doesn’t have to come from the extremes, and tacit support of one “side” doesn’t mean you automatically have no respect for the ideals of the others.

Just saying.

10. I’ve been known to drink shots of pickle juice.

You’re welcome, Shelby.

Tags: Do this if you haven’t, that includes you PP.