Non-running commentary: The one where I’m a grumpy old lady
Let it be known: I’m not a techno-phobe. I’m not a dumb girl who sits and says things like “I’M NOT VERY GOOD WITH COMPUTERS” while flipping my hair and looking innocent. I’m also not the type who talks about my “routine” and how I’m an old “stick in the mud” or “homebody.” No, it’s the contrary. I don’t sleep, I own shitty technology due to being broke and if I had my choice, I’d never ever ever be home. Ever.
However, if we start talking about cell phones? I become this:
I HATE the fact that it’s getting really hard to find non “smart” phones. Because simply put: I DON’T FUCKING WANT A “SMART PHONE.”
I don’t fucking need one. And I certainly don’t want to spend 100 bucks a month for a fucking phone that I never talk on.
Why is this my position?
1. I live in a second rate city. I don’t take public transportation. I’m never more than 10 minutes away from a computer.
2. I work a second rate job. Nobody cares what I do. And I’m never more than 10 minutes away from a computer.
3. Phones are fucking EXPENSIVE and I don’t talk on them. Seriously. I have the smallest phone plan available (like…400 minutes?). Last month I used 15 minutes. I have a fair amount of texts, most of which I don’t pay for thanks to the whole mobile to mobile thing. And I still pay over 50 bucks a month for the privilege. Seriously? THAT’S HIGHWAY ROBBERY. AND I REFUSE TO PAY MORE.
Yet…as far as I can see, cell phone services are taking away the choice as it’s getting harder and harder to find a little flippable phone. A plain old ordinary phone without a fucking keyboard (that’s what the fucking number pad is for, asstwats). Which leads me to…
4. Why did phones get so fucking big?
Remember when people used to have those annoying, ugly phones about 10 years ago?
They were stupid because if you forgot to lock the keypad, you could butt dial. They were uncomfortable to put in your pocket. They were awkward. Ever try running with one of those things? Yeah, it sucked.
Low and behold, flippable phones came out.
And they were WONDERFUL. They fit in your pocket! If you had to go running and bring a phone, they could be carried easily.
I got my first flip phone in…gah, I don’t even know. Maybe 2003? And I remember telling someone how I’d never go back to a phone that didn’t flip! It was so much easier to deal with! No butt dial nightmares! I could put it in my pocket without it appearing that I had a growth. THIS IS BIG NEWS.
I think I got a Razr with my next standard upgrade in 2005. People talked shit about those phones but mine lasted for four years. Four years without a single issue. I had a shitty charger I had to replace, but FOUR YEARS with that wonderful, slim, sleek little phone. I could talk and I could text. And I loved it!
But as my love affair with the Razr continued while everyone else hated on the damn thing, something else was afoot:
People stopped carrying my beloved flip phones. They were suddenly carrying…big bulky phones again?
Wait…what? Why? Are we not into these nice little convenient phones anymore?
Somewhere along the line, you people decided that phones that allow you to talk (and maybe text because let’s face it, talking to people sucks and texts are an easy way to get an answer out of people with minimal effort) aren’t good enough. So we can’t have beautiful little phones like my current one anymore.
No. You assholes insist on carrying big bulky blackberries that allow you to have your office in your backpocket.
Or you fucking tech geeks insist on those droids to say “HEY I HAVE A DROID. I’M BETTER THAN YOU.”
Or you fucking hipsters carry around your stupid 500 dollar iphone you bought by dipping into your trust fund so you can e-mail your mommy and daddy to say “OOOOO I AM E-MAILING YOU FROM MY PHONE. SEE? IT SAYS ON THIS E-MAIL! BRB GOING TO PLAY ANGRY BIRDS INSTEAD OF GETTING A JOB BECAUSE I DON’T NEED A JOB BECAUSE I HAVE A TRUST FUND!”
FUCK YOU PEOPLE.
Why can’t we go back to the days….the days of…2005. The days when phones were SMALL. And slipped in your back pocket! The days when you had to look up directions BEFORE YOU LEFT HOME OR THE OFFICE. The days where you couldn’t just pull out your phone and say “LET ME GOOGLE DIRECTIONS ON MY PHONE!”
Fuck that shit.
At this point I half want to return to a rotary phone out of spite. I won’t actually talk to you though, I’ll have to revive my old school answering machine.
(Ok, maybe I just wanted an excuse to post that.)
But seriously…can we stop with the fancy fucking phones?
Like, I get if your job makes you have one. Fine. Whatever. I also get that if you live in a real city, you have to look up public transportation schedules. These are legit reasons to have one of these things!
But really, let’s be honest: MOST PEOPLE DON’T NEED THESE FUCKING THINGS. For everyperson with a legitimate need there are at least 500,000 worthless hipsters carting out their iphone to take ironic pictures and brag about owning every apple product on the market because it goes so well with their vintage clothing. And if that’s what floats your boat? FINE. DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.
But phone companies, please stop phasing out these perfect little flip phones that operate without data packages. And please get some phone plans that cost lest than 50 bucks. And please, DON’T MAKE US HAVE DATA PLANS.
Because in MY DAY? We never imagined that.
Now excuse me while I go fire up my Victrola and dance the Charleston.
(Serious question: I AM THE LAST HOLD OUT? Give it to me straight. That’s what she said.)